She awoke every morning with a face so dead you can only imagine that she had gone through a rough time in her past, something so traumatic that she awakes frozen and numb. Her dreams were no longer a figment of her imagination created by her subconsciousness, but a world absorbed by her fears—an ongoing nightmare. The only reminder of her innocence was a photo of her as a child, before life became surreal. It started with the nightmares, then her skin started to age progressively because of the stress and lack of sleep. Coffee and cigarettes became a routine, and it was all she had. The family she had known has no idea who she really is, or what she had to go through. Her friends, they all passed away or left. Solitude is the bridge connecting sanity and insanity, when you spend time in deep loneliness you sit in the middle in-between the two. Lost without direction, but mends the broken mind and soothes the heart with protection.
3:46AM. She lifts up her eyelids and enters the realm of reality. She rolls over and grabs her phone to check the time: 3:46AM. In her mind, it figuratively felt like she was in deep sleep for at least 8 hours. She tries to remind herself when she was able to fall asleep. 3:00AM, was when she fell asleep. Roughly forty-five minutes of sleep, but that was enough to get her through the whole entire day—or she believed it to be true. Why? Because sleep is a distant ex-partner, far from her reach and unreasonable. You see, when confronted with your reality, you find ways to either accept or to ignore what is real. For her, she has accepted what is real. Love never really crossed her path during the midst of a half-awake day, or did it—and she just missed it because her eyes were closed? That wasn’t something she longed for, it was rather distasteful. The thought of burdening another human-being with the problems attached to her like her damaged hair, had her in a sense of awe. Her surface is wearing a shell covered in her facade, hiding behind a great wall of fear.
Even though she lives with this hurt, her capacity to love is beyond the norm. She cares deeply for others, even the ones she doesn’t know well. And why? Because even though she has lost everything she once knew, the sensitivity of her mind has improved with the damage. 3:00AM. She shuts her eyes half way down. Every night, she shuts it half way down. Why? Because her eyes have been shut half way down for four years. When it’s time to sleep, she just has to go the other half.
No one will understand her, even her. Even me. But that’s okay, because c’est la vie.
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